Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
