omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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