He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize