Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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