This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
