well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
