I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
