just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
