Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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