the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
