how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You've changed since you got that strap on
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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