The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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