Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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