Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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