I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
