Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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