Im at strip club and am horny
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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