apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
