she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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