I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
