Apparently you make a good broom.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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