Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
