how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
