Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
