I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
