It's a beautiful day for a hangover
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
