Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You left your phone here
Wait...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
