I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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