Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
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