Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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