I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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