these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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