Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
