she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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