He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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