It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
