My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Randomize
