lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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