So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
