I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
