im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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