I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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