She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Randomize
