we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I need a beard to bite.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
