booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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