watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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