So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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