was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
