So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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