The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
