my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
