oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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