She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
