I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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