I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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